27.10

How often do you doubt yourself? Once or twice a day?

What if you did it for everything you do? Everything you say..

How did you just move?

What was your face doing?

Where were your hands?

Do you look suspicious?

Do you look stupid?

Maybe they know.

That I’m just a fraud…

But then I have to re-evaluate. Look at my actions and myself critically. Are those thoughts genuine concerns, or is it the constant and unforgiving pounding of my anxiety, leaving me captive to it’s destructive path through my psyche.  It’s hard to watch yourself from afar, judge yourself. Are those the actions of a bad person or am I just too critical? It’s a constant battle inside my mind of what is real and what is just nonsense that my over-worked brain concocts. I do think that I actively try to be a good person though. I have to remind myself to try, don’t be lazy, make an effort with people, smile. But what helps the most; is that I know what would make me feel better, is someone being nice to me. I depend on those moments in my day, so I like to think that’s what other people might like in their day. I try to smile to as many people as I can. I say hello to people that I see. I try to exercise being optimistic and positive. I remind myself to help someone that needs help. I try to always remember that I don’t know that persons struggle today, and that this might help them to feel better.

I try. I fail though. Usually with the people I love. I seem to forget my rules, and my efforts. Then the truth of my selfish depression consumes all that comes close. It infects their lives, consumes our conversations and impacts them in all the ways I hate. It feels like an impossible battle sometimes. I love these people and feel comfortable around them, but then I pull them into my abyss. I’m too selfish to try and distance myself because when I do I just become more depressed and angry. Then after, I ask for help. Rinse and repeat..

These incredible people though, as much as I infuriate and worry them. They tell me often and show me every day that they love me. I guess I’ll be consumed with guilt, but not before I feast on love..