Unwanted.

I hear his tone change.

I see his face change.

I feel his hugs are not the same..

At some point in time everyone has to face the feeling of rejection, of being unwanted. It was told to her that everyone faces it, it’s normal even. She couldn’t understand though how this feeling was meant to be normal. Each and every time it crushed her. The feeling of rejection was rooted in her mind. She watched as he pulled away. He pulled away from her like everyone else had, only ever after they’ve realised how much work goes into this girl. She was an onion, with layer after layer, each layer switched between negativity and positivity; a perfect imbalance. It was not the cohesive relationship of yin and yang, there was no balance in this partnership as her negativity picked apart her positivity. She would switch so much between them that it gave those around her whip lash. One day she would be communicating the sun’s delight at meeting the earth. The next she could have the fury of a summer storm. It made her unpredictable, unable to tame, a complete hypocrite and a worse mess. She could make a stable man feel as if he was sea sick standing on land. She was the Moby Dick to anyone crazy enough to try and catch her. She may kill him in the process, but it’s his blind ignorance to his danger that made him perfect.

Till he wasn’t ignorant any more.

She had held on for so long, continuing to dream that someone could swim with her through all of life’s storms. She had gone through family members that couldn’t handle looking at the sadness and anger that dwelled in her depths. Friends had come and gone, never able to keep up or choosing to walk away. Life had been lonely since she could remember. Never really fitting in or being loved with no guilt or requests to change. The feeling of rejection was common. She was left alone when someone didn’t know what to say to make it better. Or abandoned for her mistakes.

He would be added to the list of aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends and boyfriends who had given up pretending to understand. Her quirks they said they loved, till they didn’t. Her encompassing depression that swallowed everyone close, just like the sink holes that destroys homes.. However if they somehow managed to succeed in escaping the darkness, her quaking anxiety will surely scare them back to safety..

She never knew what to say. Maybe that’s what the missing element was all along, if she knew what to say, if she didn’t say such bizarre things when she was lost for words. Maybe then. They wouldn’t leave..