Chasing that feeling.

Unappreciation.

It’s the epidemic that is terrorising the hearts of and souls of so many people around the world. I am a teacher, and that is pretty much in the job description. We are constantly told; it is a thankless job. I didn’t realise that I had actually been training for this aspect of the job my entire life.

My father is a man that I respect so highly because of his ability to live life with debilitating mental health issues. But throughout my life I had to sacrifice my ability to feel love from my dad.

He wasn’t able to because he was sick.

We couldn’t do this because of his sickness.

I had to understand because of his sickness.

I remember being a child, and my step-mum had to actually push him to spend time with me. We didn’t do much, just bounced balls back to each-other and talked. The specialness of this moment was tainted with the fact, I knew this wasn’t his choice. It was reinforced when I grew up with my siblings who tore my family apart and caused myself and my dad an endless amount of pain. My dad would tell me how much he wanted to go and have coffee with them. Spend time with them. See them. Love them.

Not the daughter who loved him unconditionally.

Not the daughter who would make him dinner. Clean the house and spend each day living with him and loving him.

I’ve chased this feeling my whole life. Giving to people who don’t give back. Loving people who don’t love me back. Chasing a feeling that I’ll always end up short finding.

One day I’ll be loved. Just the way I want.

But most importantly.

One day I hope to love my dad, just like I used to; unconditionally.