Without Him..

She listened to the rain tapping on her window and looked at the empty space next to her on the bed. She’d just woken up in the early hours of the morning, fresh from another nightmare. This nightmare though wasn’t like her normal ones.. The scary ones.. This one was different.

She had woken up crying..

Her dream was of the man she’d lost, finding his new love. A love that had absolute nothing to do with her. Her friends were even there,  but they didn’t understand her, she was the issue after all. A problem. She was to blame. She did all this, didn’t she? The dream changes. She’s getting her belongings and driving away as fast as she can. It was her fault, how could she have let her friends believe it wasn’t?

She was wrong to feel unhappy as she’d said, because look how happy he was now.

She was wrong to feel unappreciated as she’d told them, because look how much he appreciated his new muse.

She was definitely wrong about feeling unloved, because look how much he loves her now.

She was the problem, burden, issue and everything else her doubts had whispered to her. It was her fault why he hadn’t loved her like she’d begged. It was her fault why she wasn’t appreciated, she already took so much time and energy. It was her fault why they were miserable, unhappy and depressed. Her depression caught him and swallowed him up. Her anxiety made sure that he couldn’t stand, always making him unstable. It was all her fault. It was all her.

As the dream continued; she got in her car and drove to the ocean.

She always had this part planned, saved in the back of her brain.

The car stopped and she walked to the waters edge, she waded in and swam. Then kept swimming. The water felt like balm on her skin. The further she went out, the more of a pull she felt. When her arms gave out, she floated and kept floating. When her vision went dark, she accepted the comforting blanket of peace being wrapped around her..

Finally.

What she hadn’t expected was to accept her vision back, with a stark contrast to the darkness and all sense of peace wiped clear. She woke in a bright room with noise and business all around her. Someone had found her, saved her. She was lying in a hospital. Feeling as far as possible from the peace she’d found, and entirely consumed by pain.

What she hadn’t expected was the fury awaiting at the foot of her bed. When she saw his face, she trembled. His eyes were blazing and twisted, he couldn’t believe what an idiot she’d been, how much attention does she need? As he kept going, she tried shutting her eyes and ignoring his presence. Eventually the nurses came and they ushered him away. She was alone again.

She woke up, tears streaming down her face. A dream that had nothing but despair and anger. She looked to the space next to her, that was now empty since she’d walked out on him. This dream was all of her doubts rolled into one; was she just a burden? Did she deserve to be loved and appreciated? Was she always just too much for him to handle?

Depression wanted to cover her in a soft blanket to cocoon her mind. She refused to accept this though, and instead let the doubts slowly dribble down out of her mind. She got up, turned on her music and began her healing processes to survive yet another day..

Without him..

Without their life together..