A Parents Love

I always thought parents were meant to love you unconditionally and try every day to understand how to help their child. That they’ll do everything in their power to make sure their child smiles.

So what happens if you’re born to parents who don’t do this?

What happens if you as the child need to understand your parents, to know best how to talk to them. My whole life I was able to watch a parent’s unconditional love, watch a parent bend over backwards and try their best to make their child’s life easier.

Every day I watched as my step-mother did all she could to help her children. Every day I felt the pang of loss at losing my own mother. Because I hoped that my mum would have done this for me. She would have tried every day to understand me and the pain I’ve experienced.

My step-mum has done wonderful things for my family, she’s cared for us when we’ve made her life hell. But I’ve never felt understood by her, or felt like she’s tried. I held this against her growing up, till I was able to realise how hard it was for her. How hard she must have worked. The pain she’s experienced, and the hardships she’s gone through. I just wish she tried to understand how hard it was for me. I wish she thought about the struggles I face each day. I wish that she loved me unconditionally like I’ve watch her love her children. I wish that she wanted to see me each week for dinner, like she does her own children. I wish that had hugged me as much as what she hugs my niece now. I wish she understood my pain, as she understands my nieces. I wish I had photo’s of me in her home, like she has of her children and my niece. I wish that she respected and was proud of what I’ve achieved in my career, instead of doubting everything I say. Most of all I wish that she would never accept when I don’t speak to her. I wish that I meant enough that she wouldn’t ignore me, as I know she would never do to her own children. I’ve watched as her children and step-granddaughter talk down to her, don’t respect her, but no matter what, she will always love them. I wish she loved me just like that.

I’ve watched as my dad has struggled with his mental health. At each point I’ve tried to have a smile for him, tell him I love him and try to be positive for the both of us. I don’t like asking for help from him, because I would hate to burden him. I’ve watched as my selfish siblings have demanded time and time again from him. I’ve tried to make plans with my dad, but he’s cancelled. I try telling him I love him each time I see him, but he forgets to say it back. I’ve tried offering help with his mental health, and I’ve watched him ignore my own mental health problems.

I’ve listened to him want to make plans with the people who’ve hurt me. I’ve listened to him ask why his other children don’t want to see him. I’ve listened to his stories and watched as he’s ignored what I’ve said. I’ve watched as my friends have their parents take care of them when they are sick, but my father instead asks me to do chores when I can barely get out of bed. I’ve watched as my father made plans with my family for my own graduation to have dinner and left me out of those plans.

I’ve watched  completely jealous of my own siblings and friends. Watched how proud their parents are, how much love they receive and how their parents have all the time in the world for them. I’ve tried to understand both of mine, why I don’t get those traditional things that parents do. I’ve tried loving them unconditionally. But I’m the last on their list. I’m not privileged to their time. They will never understand me and my pain. I will never have my parents award the same time and effort they put into their other children, even the drop kicks. I won’t ever be loved unconditionally by them.

Instead I’ll be expected to stand tall and told to get over it.

I’ll be able to thank them for my independence and strength. I’ll be able to thank them for making me the woman I am today. But that is all I have left to give them, is a thank-you. Because I’ve had enough of understanding people who should understand me. Who should love me unconditionally. Who should be the fucking parent.

I’m done trying with the people who will never put the same effort that I put into them. Parent’s should be exceeding the effort their child puts in. I’m done trying to put in more effort.

I’m done making excuses for them.

I’m done chasing my parents love and acceptance.