Sane

I never analysed why I don’t have any relationships longer than 8 years. There always seemed to be reasons that denied me of fault. But now I have the mirror facing me, I’m not so sure.

I’ve made every subconscious effort to destroy a new relationship. Every fucking opportune moment, I seem to find a new way to bring fresh hell. I hate the feeling that surrounds my brain each and every time.

My stomach feels like some-ones pushing on it, like someone has their hand on my throat. My shoulders scrunch up and I hate myself a little more. I thought I had changed. I was no longer this fuck up of a child. The one that always got into trouble. The one that always struggled to make the right choice. I thought I was becoming the woman I dreamt of being.

The woman wearing the white coat, surrounded by children and loved by a wonderful man. The woman that cared about those around her, loved deeply, was tenacious as fuck and had an honest mouth. The man was one I could talk with deeply, love truly and have a beautiful smile. This was an old spiritual reading given to me from a family friend. I could be this woman. I want it so badly.

But I don’t understand why each of my decisions at the time, seem so clear and right. Then upon reflection realise what an absolute moronic choice it truly was. I wish I could trust myself like others trust themselves. I wish I could make decisions without first having to consult a sane human being.

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I just be sane and normal?

How can I ever trust myself?