Alone

I thought I understood loneliness. Turns out this entire time, I’ve been spoilt and just behaving like an ungrateful child incapable of understanding true loneliness. I was surrounded by people that loved me, and I chose to be lonely.  It was not pushed on me, I wasn’t unable to speak to the ones I love. All that stopped me was the thoughts that seemed to infuse themselves in my brain. Convincing me that no-one wanted to see me or talk to me. How childish. How incredibly foolish.

Recently I moved to a small town to purser my passion. The only thing I never truly thought about in a serious capacity was how truly alone I would feel. Living with strangers. Going to work with people I didn’t know. I don’t have the comfort of my friends being a short drive away nor do I have the arms of the man I love. Instead I have my inanimate stationary objects to share my isolation with. It’s an odd feeling to know that people are around you physically, however emotionally and mentally; I feel deserted. I can’t disregard though that this was my own choice. A fact that I keep forgetting and yet continue to be reminded about. I chose to move. I chose a life away from my support network. I feel like the sea captain who was warned not to sail out on the peaceful morning because of the storm prediction in the afternoon she selectively ignored. What my support network doesn’t understand though, is that for me this wasn’t a choice. This was all I could think about. It consumed me. I had thoughts that were unfamiliar to me in style and content. They were persistent in their message, that this is what I HAD to do next. This was my mission and would drive me insane if I didn’t heed the message.

But what if by listening to the foreign thoughts, it wasn’t the spiritual message I had hoped for. But instead my own toxic thoughts disguising itself to await my destruction? What if instead of following my passion, I unintentionally chased my depression into the nothingness?

I don’t have the normal people around me to comfort my anxieties and soothe my erratic mind. Instead I just have myself. And I’m just not sure that I am enough to hold my head high on my own.