Treading

I felt myself tread water and tried to find the strength to hold my head above the surface. I could feel my chin slip under the depths followed by my mouth, nose and eyes. I’d have a moment of unexpected strength and push myself free to the surface again. Hold on for as long as I could, before dipping again below the surface. It was a constant battle to maintain my head above the water. I so wished there was someone close by to grab my hand and drag my entire body out of the crushing waves that never gave up its steady pace.

I wish I had the ability to better describe the consistent and persistent hell of mental illness. This is the closest my fragile mind is able to muster. Every time I think I come close to find a normalization in behaviour and health, a wave comes crashing into me. Or sometimes it even feels like something below me, has reached for my ankles and yanked my being so far down. It feels like my lungs will burst with the attempt to break free to the surface and greedily gulp the fresh air. There are no rescue boats approaching, life rafts searching or flotation devices available to provide respite for me. I am exhausted, I am numb from my surroundings and I am wondering how long I must tread the unforgiving thoughts that never seem to stop crashing into me.

I just want to feel the sunshine on my face and rest my weary mind. I want to be free of my torturous drowning thoughts..