How did I forget?

I’ve spent so long sitting and watching people live life. Whether it’s a group of friends sipping on coffee, girlfriends going for cocktails or romances that swept even me off my feet. Watched and watched again, being too scared to go out and do the same. I didn’t have friends, I spoke too much, I was too weird and the list goes on. I hid in my room for weeks at a time; ignoring phone calls and pretending like I existed in the worlds’ of my book and TV shows. I hated it. I wanted to be out. I wanted to live.

I found a group, began seeing a boy and we went, did things, saw people, adventured. It wasn’t all the time, but his housemates forced me out of my shell. Bit by bit, I learnt how to be social, and began to love it. Then as relationships do, you eventually shut the world off and live in each others pockets. This is great if you like doing the same things, I made the mistake of being with someone who liked to spend their time differently.

I wanted to see nature, he wanted to see family,

I wanted to see friends, friends had to come to him,

I wanted to go out and eat, he wanted to stay home,

I wanted to do something, he wanted to watch sport.

When I was finally honest about the relationship not working, I found myself. I began learning about what I loved doing. I call it my enlightenment period (very wanky, I know), that time of my life; where I learnt about me and loved myself for it.

Then I stumbled into a new relationship. It has so many fantastic qualities, and we do have similar interests most of the time. I want this to work. But I like doing one thing and he likes doing another. I keep forgetting to ask myself what I want, and instead focus on what he wants. I keep thinking that I wish he thought about what I wanted. But that’s not his job.

I need to make myself happy. My relationship is a partner that I choose to have walk with me, someone that loves the way I do, inspires me, but most of all; someone that I can love life with. Participate and engage with each day.

How have I forgotten to always choose MY own happiness?