That’s all I can hope for

I have this yearning desire that sits within me. As if I’m capable of more that I’m doing.

I have this vision that sits in my minds eye. Of me working towards something bigger than I understand.

It’s crazy. Thinking these things and the juxtaposition of my fears. Two different realms of feelings and imaginations that home themselves in the same fragile cocoon. It’s a near constant battle of what I feel I am, to what I feel I could be. Everyone must feel this, because I think that’s what people are describing when they say they are struggling.

They are struggling the opposing sides of their personality that is waring for control. I never know which side of mine will win. I have the sad, pathetic, victim mentality that is flakey and unreliable, to the woman that is powerful and has a heart as big as the world. I know which side I want to be, but it’s not always the side that wins.

Sometimes my sad side wins. The weaker one. The one that will destroy my own self image to ensure I am not arrogant, or deceiving like my siblings. It’s like anytime I get close to their ideology, I have a self-destruct button. It implodes my self-esteem and close relationships. Forcing me to start over and re-discover myself and friends. Ignoring the potential in the woman I am striving to become.

I had a friend ask my once “what’s different this time, why should we believe this time’s different?”

I honestly don’t know.

This time is like the last, only minor improvements.

But I know that I’m not willing to give up yet. Not yet. I know I’m privileged to have fight left in me, I’ll cherish that till they day I don’t.

I don’t know how else to do it.

Once small step at a time, with sometimes five steps going backwards.

But I know I’m better than I was two years ago.

And that’s all I can hope for