Enjoying this time.

I’ve climbed this mountain so many times that I already feel a fraud for trying to turn hope into reality.

I’ve always felt this ‘imposter’-mentality. Like I know that I’m this shitty person, and I’m so scared of everyone finding out. I would sit and think about the people I admired most, and why I admired them. Slowly allowing myself the opportunities to embrace qualities I didn’t think I could even attempt at becoming. Slowly the transformation occurred. Who I am today, to who I was 10 years ago, is an astounding feat when I actually reflect. It’s taken me a long fucking time to get to this point. But I’m starting to feel strong, embracing my sensitivities and fragile nature to begin to love them even. I feel a lot, and as much as that can get intense, it also means I feel all emotions A LOT. Love, sex, gratitude, peacefulness, happiness, excitement, awe, appreciation, I feel every emotion intensely. I fucking love that now. Because when I am on top of the world, it makes me realise I can work and even achieve to become the person who can handle it. All of the emotions, good, bad and ugly. Seeing the beauty in the world, is worth it. Feeling love! Heart break felt like my world was ending and I couldn’t cope with the crushing pain, but love… Feeling love, being in love and giving love, is singularly the most glorifying experience any one who is blessed to experience it, will stagger towards it, time and time again. It’s the all consuming process of whole heartedly caring about another human, more than you ever could imagine. The glow that turns to an all over hum, when you see them or hear their voice. It’s an incredible experience to behold. But if love that didn’t work out for valid reasons, than what is it like to find your right love? The one who is your best friend, pushes you to be your ultimate you. The one you can capture the moments, and release the pain from the other ones. The ideal of THAT love has me forgetting the wounds from past failed attempts.

But I’ve realised something else. I also don’t know what it’s like to be in love with me. I don’t know how amazing or frustrating that I am. I’ve hated myself, I’ve pitied myself, I’ve disliked myself, recently though I’ve been liking me a little more. I want to fall in love with me. I want to take myself out and do the things I love. I want to cook wholesome foods and cherish my body. I want to encourage myself to be the best version of me that I can be. I want to be my greatest cheerleader and my most loving carer. I want to be the one who makes me laugh, takes care of me when I’m down and cherish me every chance I get. I want the chance to know what it’s like to make me feel better when I’ve crashed, or how to lift my spirits when I feel lost to the world. I want to be the one that pushes me through another day to realise the next will be far more amazing than today’s. I’ve begun doing little things, and the intensity of how I feel floods me with gratitude and appreciation with where I am right now in life. I’ve got my own place, a place that I love coming home to, friends that I can’t wait to see, relationship with my parents, killing it at work and absolutely loving my study in my masters. I’m sorting myself out, and ensuring I take care of my health. All the things I would nag others to do, I’m doing it for myself and making sure that I’ve been taking time for me.

I’ve fallen down sometimes, had slip ups and struggled a lot. But I haven’t given up and kept up the work. Where I am today and have been lately, has been getting better in a steady (uneven) pace. I look around myself though and I can’t help feel the intensity of emotion piling into my chest, moving all over my skin and covering my into being; immense gratitude and pride. I’m in my apartment, blasting music, in a place that feels more like home than anywhere I’ve ever lived. I’ve just spent the weekend seeing old and new friends, eating incredible food, drinking wine and laughing whole-heartedly. Then to have the privilege today to go to the coast, walk around in the sunshine at the markets, see amazing art work, incredible views of the landscape then finally slowly chipping away at my work while in my sanctuary? How is this my life? I know one day I want to be in love, I want to love someone unconditionally and cherish every moment. Right now however, I want to be with me and love me. Enjoy this time in my life where I get to put me first. Enjoy falling in love with myself.