Fuck.

I love him. I do. I’ve tried to avoid, run, deny and delay it as much as I can. But I do, I fucking love him. I love who he is. I love watching him grow. I see his potential and fuck it blows me away even now and I know he’s just working towards it. I know the man he’ll become. I could see his potential from the moment I met him. He’s larger than life.

I did not like how he treated me though.

For so long I’ve gotten the two confused. I love him, but I hate him for this or I can’t stand him, then I can’t stand to be away from him. This heady contradiction has been boggling my mind for months now. He’s been a delightfully insane mystery my mind can’t ignore. I’ve tried to run, hide, avoid and be distracted from him. It’s been one of the most unstable periods of my life. I thought our relationship was unstable. Being away from him was it’s own earthquake in the realm of instability. I love him; his brain, mind, compassion and intelligence. Watching him think and come up with solutions or the care he has for so many different people, blew me away. Watching his quirks, comical moments and passion enticed me. Watching him, all of him, good bad and ugly. I loved him.

Our relationship though, is a different story. The way I treated me. The way he treated me. Is a different story.

I set a sub-par standard of how to treat me. I dedicated myself to a lower standard class of citizen. I ignored my boundaries and ensured to blur the path for him. I don’t agree or condone his reactions. But I know where to trace the path of responsibility. I know he blames himself. But I know who started it. I designated the treatment, and when he followed through became furious with him. I set him up, then got mad at him for going through with it.

Fuuuuuuucked up. So. So. So fucked up.

Now I sit here, away from him. Mad at him. Untrusting of him. For what I unconsciously instructed him to do. If I didn’t tell him how not to do it, I certainly didn’t guide him of to do it. I didn’t warn him of what made me mad, or what triggered me. I only sat feeling and ignoring each of them. Playing blind to the emotions inside me, I sat blind to the demise of my relationship. I didn’t communicate clearly.

I just sat expectant. I sat thinking that he would know me well enough of how to save us.

Fuck.