Lowest of lows

I can’t tell my friends. I can’t tell my family. I can’t tell anyone. I can’t tell anyone what happened last night. I thought we were okay, finding a sort of comfort in our distanced communication. I thought we were finding a place of peace. He decimated it. He said he didn’t love me anymore and he’s trying to figure out if he even respects me. He told me I was a liar and that he wanted to look me in the face to see if I was lying. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was happy to discuss and find a solution. He was on the hunt to destroy though. I told him I’m not mentally well enough for that discussion. I started off strong, voicing my boundaries. Telling him I was not able to sit through an argument, but I could discuss anything. He told me that she would have. At least she was honest. At least his ex that replaced me told him what was going on, at least she regretted her past. Unlike me. At least she had some respect for herself. Unlike me. I told him to come over then, I’d face him.

I was beginning to spiral.

He told me it was about other boys. How could I behave like that when we had broken up. He said he thought I was lying all along about being a good person, that he doesn’t think I’m nice on the inside at all. I crumbled. I agreed. This is what I was scared of. Someone would see the horrible person I really am. That I’m just trying to be a good person, but that it’s actually fake. On the inside I’m just fighting a battle of good and evil, and losing consistently. I went into a really dark place. I entered self loathing mode. He came over fine at first, then he began to blame me. I took the blame. I don’t know why I did those things. I explained what I could, he called me a liar. He called me a hypocrite. He said the friend of his, that I thought had been a friend to me, it was just me being naïve. His friend was trying to get with me and took screenshots to send to the boys group chat. Apparently they were all saying horrible things about me too. How could I have been so dumb. I just thought this person saw it was a tough time and wanted to reach out to be nice. Stupid of me to think that. How could I re-add those people onto instagram. Why did I talk to that particular person after our break up? How could I sit next to him at a party? Why? Why? Why? He started saying I’m either just stupid or a shit person. I told him I was both.

I laid on the floor of my kitchen crying my heart out. Grieving for the person I thought I was becoming. Obviously not. He stood above me and just kept going. Kept yelling at me. Kept being mad. There was nothing else I could say. I took responsibility for all I could. I said sorry over and over. He kept on saying that I hadn’t even apologised. He told me I was the reason why our relationship failed. I’m the reason it didn’t work between us. It was this shit that destroyed us. I am what fucked us up. I treated him awfully when he came back into my life. He’s been nothing but kind and lovely. How could I do this to him? I didn’t know what he wanted anymore. I was broken. He tried to get me up and I couldn’t move anymore. I just wanted to stay on my floor. Find peace somehow, wish that it would open to swallow me whole.

He left only to come back. Started nicely, saying he couldn’t leave me like that because he’s a nice person (unlike the rest of us). He kept saying he had to come back to check up on me. At this stage, I didn’t want to see him at all. I wanted my safe space back. I didn’t want him to yell at me again though or say how I’m a coward for not letting him back. He said he’d looked for flowers to bring me, but couldn’t find any. He wanted instead to take me to dinner. I couldn’t even look at his face. I knew I wasn’t leaving my house, to hell or high water. At this stage I could barely open my eyes, they were so swollen. He made his way back to the topic of discussion though. Wondering what my friends even thought. When he heard they had supported me, he lost it again. Saying how shit of friends they were, that my home town was shit with everyone in it. He told me his friends would hate me if they knew what I had done. They would hate everything about me if they knew the truth. He didn’t tell them though, unlike me. I told everyone what an awful person he is. He didn’t tell anyone because at least he’s a decent person.

“How much worse is that?” he said.

“You fucked us up, you did all this shit things, then you went around telling everyone I was the bad guy” he kept going.

I sat the entire time, in a ball crying my heart out. Wishing this would be over. Wishing he’d just leave. He kept going though. He told me that he’d be fine, the rest of us wouldn’t be. He’d find success and do well. The rest of us wouldn’t. He would be so much better off than the rest of us. I just had shit friends. I asked in the only voice I had remaining for him to leave, to please leave. After a few more moments stating how much better he would do than my friends and I. He left.

I locked my door.

I sat crying.

Everything I was afraid of, he said.

For so long I’ve tried to be a good person. I’m not.

He’s right.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I’d been honest. I thought I’d been embracing my freedom.

Obviously not.

I’m just a liar. I can’t hide from who I really am.

A person whose hurt too many other people.