Grateful

I am grateful for the life I have been able to live. I feel a duty to love it.

But fuck, it’s hard.

I’ve needed to rewire and reprogram my brain. I began my journey, ungrateful. Devastated and entitled. I thought because my mum had died, because I was abused, because I suffered childhood trauma, that I deserved something. I had in my head that because I grew up with a mentally unwell father and a step mum that was under the pump so much, I at times felt left out of her love, that I deserved something. I was so caught up in my head, that I didn’t see my step mums struggle and how hard she worked BECAUSE she loved US all. She raised me BECAUSE she loved me, it was just really fucking hard. My dad, I know he loves me, and I’ve come to accept he does this in his own way. For years I felt like I was missing out, not having that close bond with him. But I know I can call him and just tell him I love him, and I know he’ll be there to say it back. I can see how he hard it is for him to reach out, when he’s facing what he’s facing each day.

I am blessed to have them both. For years, instead of looking at the positive love, I focused on the surface level behaviours, never actually understanding the struggle and suffering they both endured.

I am no longer wearing the guilt of not looking after my niece more. My mum is astounding and I’ve accepted this is her choice. If she needs my help she can ask, and it is within my right to say no. I am not the only person available. I am not my step mum, I look up to her so much, but I can’t wear the responsibility of her choice. What I can do though, is take her out to lunches, dinners and so on. Treat her like I never could when I was younger. My mum loves going out, I’m working on my budgeting skills, so I can do this more often. I think my mum prefers that, she declines my help with Athena, but she won’t decline a lunch invitation. I love watching her get exciting about the food and talking with her about life. She is incredible.

I used to look at life so pessimistically. I resented so much and pitied myself above all. Queen misery. Something had to change and quickly. It was a misery to hang out with me. It dawned on me, what are the qualities of the people I admire have? Compiling lists, attending therapy, changing the self talk in my head especially is fucking hard and mental health plans, so many mental health plans. Slowly, slowly I started seeing the changes, an excitement in the world and a discovery within myself. Learning slowly about my identity, and growing into the person I want to be. My favourite new trick is when I’m feeling sad or down about something, I try to sit and think about the many different lives I’ve come across. What would they do to have what I do? It doesn’t take long for the gratitude to begin flowing in. In saying that, I also sometimes just accept it’s a low day and cater to my needs for that day. That’s okay too. Moods are a rollercoaster, better to understand this and develop methods for approaching it, rather than constantly striving for a high.

I have built a wonderful life, through mistakes, perseverance and tenacity. From the grumpy teenager who locked herself in her room for two weeks, sobbing about life. Now being close to 30, sitting in my own beautiful apartment, listening to music, smelling a beautiful candle burning on a gorgeous day whilst on holidays. I can’t believe how lucky I am. There’s so many achievements and failures this year, and I not only accept them but love myself through each of them. The light and dark within me, I love both. My identity is created through them, my intention is of kindness and curiosity. I recognise each of the good, bad and ugly moments I have, and have created my identity which has shaped my life. I am grateful for my life, my self and my loved ones. There are goals and plans for the future, there is always something to improve, or develop. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stop and appreciate what I have and what I am.