I wake up each day from a fresh set of nightmares. Whether it’s of my past, my ex or taking my own life. Every morning I wake up from an imagined hell created in my dreams. I wish I could call him, tell him I miss him but also scream my frustrations about the both of us. My own mistakes fresh in my mind threatening to encapsulate the peace I’ve fought so hard to acquire. I wish I could hate him but I can’t. I simply can’t. I’m constantly assaulted by the thoughts of him and us. I know he hates me now though. It was a necessary evil, because I knew I would never leave him. I had to leave because he didn’t respect me.
I wish I could hate him, resent him even. I wish that I never wanted to see him again. The truth is I want something so simple, that it breaks my fucking heart. I just want him to love me. All of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. Just as I love him unconditionally, even when he hurts me. It’s stupid. He won’t. No matter how hard I try, it’s not moral or possible to force a person to love and respect each dimension of myself.
I just wish I could let him go.
Flickering Dedications. 