My world view tilts. My head feels too heavy and like it’s about to fall off my little branch of a neck. The world seems a little too fuzzy but also too clear. I am trying desperately to be and feel numb. Last night the man I have been loving unconditionally and refusing to let go of, he placed me in a perpetual state of shock. The graviton ride throwing my stomach into disarray and reality spinning. Last night he came into my home returning a key after an awful argument. He had spent the day attempting to convince me I should be do something I had told him I was uncomfortable now doing. He came barraging into my home, intent set and rationality removed, he got himself amped up. Then it began. The yelling, calling me a slut and finally the pushing. The first push I was in shock, putting my hands up to his chest and attempting my own push. However there has always been a slight difference between the two of us, he is a large muscled man who goes to gym and during play fights, could push me with one hand to have me stumbling across the floor. I have tried in similar play fights to jump and push him with both hands, and he does not flinch nor move, in fact he laughs and states how it tickles.
He pushed me, I needed to take steps back.
I pushed him, he didn’t move a muscle.
He yelled that I was a slut.
I yelled for him to get out of my house.
He pushed me again. I needed step back.
He yelled again.
He pushed me again. I needed step back.
How on earth had we gotten ourselves here? He had made a promise he would never put his hands on me during an argument in any way. He told me he wouldn’t yell such cruel things at me again. He promised me a lot. He said a lot.
I believed it.
I, the fool, believed it.
Flickering Dedications. 