Darkness

It’s difficult. I can feel how much I loved him whilst I also understand he didn’t respect or care deeply for me. How? How can someone hurt their partner over and over and not care? Not have remorse or regret for the unnecessary pain inflicted? I loved him, endlessly, repeatedly and unconditionally. There was a time I was convinced I would marry him and he’d be the father to my children. The children I wanted desperately but hid from everyone. I thought he was my happy ending. Instead he tortured me. I endured it though, proving myself stronger than I could have ever realise. I hate him for how he abandoned, lied and hurt me over and over again. Punishing me for what he deemed inappropriate or wrong. Shaming me as much as he could. I lost myself when I loved him. I lost my whole identity wishing upon every hour to be consumed by the darkness and peace. Begging myself day after to day to end it. I was at war. War with the parts of me that wanted to survive and the parts that were so damaged. I wanted reprieve, I just wanted to sleep, I wanted to succumb to the darkness. To give up once and for all.