Am I really the villain?

You know what’s crazy? This whole time I thought I was this villain of my own life. This destructive antigonist who was set on spreading negativity. Till today I’ve come to the sad realisation, that I’m not. I’m just like any of the others I’ve studied, I just recognise what I’m doing as I’m doing it because of my research. I criticise myself in a very critical and mean manner and explaining the nonsense behaviour in great detail post event. I am exhibiting the behaviours of someone who has undergone the trauma that I have, but have the educational background to reflect on these events in a critical CPTSD and psychological point of view, in the mean time thinking I must be a bad person because I SHOULD know better. There are two different identities inside of me crying to be heard, the hurt broken child, that lashes out and engages in destructive behaviours then the logical educated adult, that can make sense of this bizarre behaviours and know the remedy to remedy the complex trauma behaviour I’ve engaged in. I’m literally an ongoing cycle of misunderstanding and Mia action to understanding and therapeutical. Enhancing my behaviours and in turn leading to more self destructive actions because of the level of understanding I have which engages my low self-esteem and self deprecating behaviours. Ultimately leading to in every case; self destruction. Because my esteem isn’t built, I don’t trust the logical side of my brain, explaining the undesired behaviour, to my ‘innocent’ naive childhood schemas and memory that self deflect unwanted emotions with a set of undesirable behaviours. Therefore continuing the behaviour of undesirable behaviours and self destruction. I’m not a bad person, I’ve developed bad coping mechanisms to withdraw myself from strong emotional feelings

. I’m better than who my mind tells me I am.