It’s so hard to make sense of things sometimes. But then these realisations hit that just seem to make so much sense. As if the frustrating algebra problem that’s been evading you suddenly clicks and it all makes sense. I keep feeling so much shame for my actions after I broke up with my ex, what I believed to be desperation for love. But upon close analysis desperation means you will take anything, and the reality is, I didn’t. I was in a sense desperate for love, but I still refused advances based on a variety of reasons. The only times I agreed was when I myself thought the person had potential to provide the love I wanted. I want to be loved, but I also have choice in the matter.
When we were together he was so desperate for everyones love and attention, he left me to the side. We’d be on dates and he’d constantly be on his phone talking to people, when we were together there were always others there. He wanted love from everyone as much as he could. But receiving love means you are giving it yourself. The difference between he and I that caused issues, was that I wanted most of his love. I gave him most of mine, he was my world and king. I wanted the same experience in return. When I realised that I wasn’t getting what I needed, I left. He didn’t like that, because for someone that wants all of the attention, doesn’t like losing the spotlight that I had shone upon them. So that’s when he directed his spotlight at me, dazzling me, complexing me and utterly flooring me. I succumbed to the treachery of my heart and convinced myself that this time I would received that attention, only I didn’t get it. This game of cat and mouse continued till I became as dependant as an addict to their dealer. When I’d leave I’d fall into symptoms of withdrawal, becoming a shell of who I was and desperate to find another source of love and attention. Convincing myself of anything for a moment of oxytocin. I’d convince myself of all types of things, then he’d come back into the picture. It was a trap of emotions between the both of us.
Neither one of us is innocent. We are both just fucked.
Flickering Dedications. 